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Fri, 13 Dec 2019

Northeast Today

Keep calm, bolo JAI SHRI RAM?

Keep calm, bolo JAI SHRI RAM?
July 01
23:29 2019

The one stop solution for all our life problems. For best results, chant thrice a day while gulping minority and dalit blood.


“Mom my stomach aches!”

“No worries beta, bolo jai shri ram.”


And miraculously the stomach ache dies.


The chant is the ultimate mark of proving your true love for the country. In fact, one would go a step further and say that if a dimwit anti-national shies away from chanting the holy chant then he deserves to be lynched, he should be sent to Pakistan (not USA or Japan) and his Aadhaar card should be suspended!

What now? What do you mean Aadhaar card can be hacked and compromised?? You sir, are definitely an anti-national! Don’t you ever question Aadhaar. Aadhaar is bae!

It’s a funny habit some pseudo progressives have developed, of making government accountable. Let this be clear once and for all: QUESTIONING GOVERNMENT IS BLASPHAMOUS and an ANTI-NATIONAL act!


Jai Shri Ram is like a litmus test of sorts to tease out gaddars. Here’s the procedure:

1. Grab a person by his neck preferably a person from minority community or a Dalit, bearded, and if skull cap clad then nothing like it.

2. Heckle the shit out of him and ask him to yell Jai Shri Ram.

3. He will hesitate, he will cry, he will pray and he might eventually chant in squishy voice.

4. Go bonkers. Beat him to pulp. Garnish it with choicest of explicit aimed at his mother, sister, religion.


There you have it. You are now a bonafide Indian and you have successfully identified an Anti-national! In Jharkhand 11 visionary sons of India lynched a young boy to death while asking him to say Jai Shri Ram. For every lynching, the GDP goes up by .1% according to reliable sources (Republick anyone?). In 2019 alone, more than 11 cases of minority lynching have been reported. More power to them Mowgli ji!

In Gujarat (yes, the same place where that traitor named Mohandas was born), a Dalit youth was killed for watching “garba”, the Gujarati dance! FOR WATCHING GARBA! Isn’t that a cute reason to kill a person? See, segregation is a part of the cultural ethos of the Indian society. It’s what keeps us alive, the feeling of being superior in terms of caste, class or community. If a Dalit relishes the same recreations that an upper caste Bark-min does, then how is the Bark-min superior in society? India thrives in inequality. India needs inequality to survive the heinous attacks of secularism and caste-less society.


Oh by the way, a fun fact, rampant water crisis has marred many parts of the country. People are dying of water shortage. In the last 3 years over 12,000 farmers committed suicide owing to drought and agrarian crisis.

But chuck that! India won versus Pakistan. Hoot Hoot! India’s win now avenges the death of our soldiers who died in Pulwama attack. No! Don’t you dare question the lapse in internal security! You anti…

And for the love of God, I’m sick and tired of people expecting healthcare from government. The encephalitis outbreak in Bihar where more than 150 kids lost their lives is just an act of God. Please, we didn’t vote them to provide for such petty amenities ok? We brought them into power just so they could force us to chant “Jai Shri Ram” “Bharat Mata ki” “Mowgli..Mowgli” et al. So let them do their duty and let us prove our love for our great nation. Get out, get lynching!


N.B: The kid, whose stomach ache died, also died with the stomach ache. But no worries! He’s safe and peaceful in heaven now with Ram and his homies, where he is incessantly chanting “Jai Shri Ram”! Talk about happy endings!



(Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is to be taken in good humor. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)



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