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Wed, 11 Dec 2019

Northeast Today

Meet Creditaker, Brother of Undertaker

Meet Creditaker, Brother of Undertaker
March 14
14:50 2019

As the rumors around The Undertaker’s retirement gather steam, he introduces his brother Creditaker to the world.

Announcer announces, “From the extreme right, with 56 inch chest and 169 pounds, CREDI….TAKERRR!”

Creditaker paces briskly towards the wrestling ring, checking for cameras and waving incessantly. If camera is nectar, he is bee. If camera is century, he is Kohli.

*Crowd going berserk, chanting his nickname, “Mowgli ji, mowgli ji!”*

He slides inside the ring and declares, “Mitrooon… Sabka credit lunga!” Awww, choo cute!!

Creditaker is the dude. He is the epitome of an alpha male prototype. He is here to take credit for everything under the sun. Global crude oil prices go down, Creditaker takes credit. Army conducts surgical strikes, Creditaker takes credit. ISRO launches Mars Mission, Creditaker takes credit. Internet data becomes cheap, Creditaker takes credit. A baby is born in a family, Creditaker takes credit! The next time a baby is conceived in your vicinity; don’t be shocked if he comes around to claim credit. Don’t ask me why!

Creditaker plans on bringing Bangladeshis to India through a bill which causes distress across Northeast India. People oppose, people go on strikes but there’s no stopping. Mota bhai’s gotta do what mota bhai’s gotta do! Alas, Rajya Sabha intervened, miffing Creditaker.

Did I tell you Creditaker is super flexible? No, literally. He is into yoga. Duh!

One wonders when he will take credit for some pending feats. 99.3% black money is back in circulation after Demonetization. 176% rise in terrorist incidents between 2014 to 2018 in J&K. Mehul Choksi, Nirav Modi, Vijay Mallya fled. Communal violence rises by 28% since 2014. Notable contributions of Gau rakshaks to our cultural ethos. Farmer suicide, protests rampant. Ganga is sparkling clean. Kashmiris and Muslims lynched in broad daylight, Unemployment rate hit 45-year high. 15 lakhs deposited to our bank accounts. Pakoda becoming our national snack. The coveted list goes on and on. Fans waiting with bated breath for him to take credit for these great achievements.

As he steamrolls everyone in the wrestling ring, he yells with all his might, “How’s the josh?!?!”

Who cares that 40 CRPF bravehearts were killed in Pulwama terror attack, in what is declared as the biggest intelligence failure of Independent India. IAF retaliated with an air strike on Balakot but that will not bring back our slain soldiers. 40 families maimed for good. Creditaker glorified and took credit for the Uri and Balakot attacks to draw political mileage. Will he take credit for the Pulwama?

As Creditaker chokeslams Democracy and pins down Dissent, the cheerleaders led by Republick Goswami go wild and perform cartwheels after cartwheels on his orders!

Creditaker- 1, Logical being- 0!!

Creditaker waves his hand as he walks out of the ring, even as the crowd kept roaring.

*Mowgli ji, Mowgli ji….Mowgli ji, Mowgli ji*

 

– by Legendeori

 

(Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is to be taken in good humor. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)

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